EDIT: It has come to my attention that some of the language I originally used in this review was considered highly offensive to others. As I am nothing, if not a people pleaser, I have edited my review accordingly--replacing the words in question with ones that I personally find offensive. These revised filthy words are designated in brackets: < >.

I’ve watched these films many times now, and I’ve always enjoyed them, but I simply cannot get past their underlying theme: Charlie Bucket is a <Kardashian.> It doesn’t matter if you’ve read the book. It doesn’t matter which version of the movie you’ve seen. It doesn’t even matter if you prefer Johnny Depp’s take on Willy Wonka—or if you’re one of the militant horde who will gut-punch anyone who even whispers of a Wonka that isn’t Gene Wilder. Charlie Bucket is still a <Kardashian.>

Both films present Charlie as the hero. A pure and innocent contrast to the other children, who are each openly horrible in their own ways. But that’s precisely where the story fails. Charlie proves, time and again, that his selfish <Anti-Vaxxer> Agenda rivals even that of Veruca Salt—the uber-spoiled rich brat that we are meant to despise.

Charlie’s family is destitute. His four bed-ridden grandparents live with them in a dilapidated shack. They appear to survive solely on a diet of increasingly watered-down cabbage soup, and I saw no evidence at all of indoor plumbing or heat. If the Buckets lived in the U.S., Charlie would have long ago been taken into custody by Child Services. And, yet, when he finds money on the street, does he help out his poor, starving family? No. Without a second thought, he gorges himself on chocolate like the selfish <Kanye> that he is—even after he believes that his dream of finding a Golden Ticket is over. What a <Kardashian.> Veruca is also despicably selfish, but at least it’s not at the expense of her family’s welfare.

The only reason I don’t regard Charlie to be one of the worst characters ever written is because that honor goes to Grandpa Joe, who I like to think of as the Granddaddy of All <Kardashians>—or simply, the Grand <Kardashian.> How is Charlie supposed to grow up with any sense of decency or social responsibility when his primary male role model is such a <Christian Fundamentalist?> After everyone has gone to bed, hungry as always, we discover that Grandpa Joe has been hiding money from his caretakers, with the intent of buying tobacco. So he lays there in bed, day after day, being cared for and watching his family starving to death before his eyes—and all he cares about is feeding his own selfish habit. And we’re supposed to feel empathy for this <Open Carry Nutbag> because he sacrifices his tobacco so Charlie can eat yet another <Tea Party> chocolate bar? Ridiculous.

Then, of course, we find that Grandpa Joe isn’t really bed-ridden at all. He’s been faking it for all these years, forcing this additional burden on his daughter, who is already saddled with a child and three other adult invalids. Who could act like this without eventually killing himself out of shame? And at the mere mention of taking a stinking factory tour, this <Ted Cruz> is hopping out of bed and dancing around the room like he just won the lottery. I suppose it’s just as well he didn’t, as he’d probably just use it to buy a truckload of cigarettes so he could light one up every time a family member dropped dead from malnutrition.

J.Bear’s Rating: 5 Well-worn Ass-craters in My Couch Cushions

Cons: While Grandpa Joe’s super-human lack of effort reaches Brando-level proportions on the Sedentology Scale, his heinous behavior cancels out any admiration we may otherwise have felt. And thanks to him, of course, Charlie is growing up to be quite the <Kardashian.>

Pros: If you can get past the horrible, detestable, main characters, both movies are pretty fantastic: funny, creative & entertaining. And despite what the Wilder Nazis say, both Willy Wonkas are great. Each film should be treated independently, with no need to compare them at all.

#WillyWonka #Charlie&TheChocolateFactory #Unmotivation #MovieReview #Sedentology